Depression and Creativity

My year is split into two design seasons - Fall/Winter and Spring/Summer. In each six month period I spend about 7 weeks doing muslins (design mock-ups in raw cotton) and 6 weeks putting together samples (the finished designs in the actual fabric). These days, Birds of North America collections can easily comprise 30 styles a season so during my 3 month muslin/sample time things need to progress at a fairly swift pace.  

A lot of the time the process rolls along smoothly. The muslins satisfy the vision I have in my head, samples pass my rigorous but somewhat intangible fit/look/construction requirements and the collection takes shape in a generally satisfying way. Sometimes things don’t work out and a style will not come together no matter what I do. It stresses me out because there is so little room for movement in the schedule that time of year and it can cause a delay of several days if I get stuck on something.

In that moment when I feel that I am failing, there is nothing positive anyone can say about my work, no praise that would make me feel like what I am doing is ok. My thoughts grow dark and pessimistic, and if I’m not able to recognize what is happening, it will result in a downward spiral of feelings of failure, hopelessness and anger. I have often found myself trying to cope with these feelings by curling up in bed in the fetal position for hours on a weekday afternoon, trying to disappear from life. It’s not a lingering thing generally - more of an intense 2-6 hour plunge into darkness. I would categorize it as a type of depression. Whatever it is, it’s not productive and not fun.  
  

On the other hand, when things are going well with my muslin and sample process, I feel fantastic. It’s what I imagine a manic high to feel like. I feel invincible, like I can do anything and solve any problem. It definitely feels better than the other side of the experience, but it is still an emotional state that is neither realistic nor truthful.

I have been trying to figure out for many years why I have these intense reactions to good and bad work days. It seems obvious that I have my sense of self worth tied very closely to my work. I am a perfectionist, and when I’m not able to meet the level of perfection I desire, I feel like I have failed. These days, I am coming to accept that this is maybe just how I work.

I believe that in order for a person to be forced to seek a creative outlet, there needs to be some kind of imbalance in their life. It is when we feel lost, dissatisfied and unhappy that we search hardest for answers. I am slowly coming to cherish my seemingly messed up reactions because I know that my creativity comes from the point of intersection of suffering and delight in my experience of life.  

I am no stranger to depression, but my reaction towards those feelings has changed in the last five years. I feel I have found a way to understand and find value in this particular type of “flash” depressive state by integrating the episodes into my creative process. Embracing and sometimes even welcoming them has allowed me the space to look at what my own mind is trying to tell me. The concepts for the “In Situ” shots for each collection often come out of an afternoon spent in bed, peering over the edge of the abyss of meaningless.

I feel I need to say that depression is different for everyone, and there is a wide range of causes and degrees of severity, therefore there is no one right way to deal with it. The kind of insight I have been able to find is probably more accessible when it comes to the shorter, more intense variety of episode than a chronic, long-term manifestation. Depression is still an unavoidable symptom of the human condition and therefore a part of human life. When it arises for me, I am grateful to be able to recontextualize it through fashion and deal with it in a creative way.

The Politics of Sizing

There is a lot of discomfort when it comes to discussing and producing larger sizes in the fashion industry. The majority of lines basically ignore the over 40% of the North American population that fall outside of a size 12. Many designers don’t even offer the equivalent of a size 12.

It’s common knowledge that women who fall above what is considered to be a “normal” size range are completely ghettoized when it comes to fashion. They have to shop at different stores and have to settle for fewer options and a lower level of service in general. The problem is that what is considered to be “normal” is no longer normal, and the fashion industry has yet to catch up or catch on.

My epiphany about size range came a year ago at a large semi-annual sale that we participate in called Braderie de la Mode in Montreal. Working as a designer, and primarily in the studio, I am not often present at the point of sale. It was an eye opening experience for me to see who was actually trying on the clothes and how they were fitting in terms of size.

One thing I noticed was that women tend to shop with friends in groups of 2-5. Within the group there is usually a range of body types and sizes and there is often at least one person who falls outside of the size 12 that is the upper limit for most designer lines.

Up until our spring/summer collection came out last spring, the largest size we offered was a size 12, which is equivalent to what we call our XL. Watching groups of women try on our clothes and seeing someone in the group not being able to fit into the largest size we offered was devastating for me. I felt like a complete jerk. It was obvious that our not having their size made them feel humiliated and defeated. Many women would either get angry or would apologize to me as if they had failed somehow. I felt unequivocally that it was me who had failed, not them.

After I got home and had time to process the experience, I was surprised at how emotional I felt about it. The whole reason I love this job is that I am able to share my vision and enthusiasm for clothing with other people and to create the same excitement in them. I felt like I had failed personally not only in not having clothes that fit everyone who wanted to try them on, but in seeing women who admired the line being shut out from enjoying the whole experience with their friends. I decided after that event that we would start to do what we could at Birds of North America to be more inclusive when it came to sizing.

As with anything that is not the “norm”, there are a million reasons designers say they can’t or won’t offer a larger size range. It is very hard to make a living with a small line of clothing in Canada, and I understand that a lot of designers try to cut costs whenever possible, but for me, all the reasons to choose not to do a broader size range have never quite added up to something I felt like I could get on board with.

Common rhetoric among independent fashion designers is that larger sizes of clothing use more fabric and are therefore much more expensive to produce. This is only a bit true. For a line like Birds of North America, which is produced entirely in Montreal, the bulk of the cost of the garment comes from the construction (basically the sewing). There is an increase in grading and cutting charges whenever any extra sizes are added, but in my opinion, it’s not a deal breaker.

When it comes to costing a garment, my philosophy is to look at the big picture. Like most lines, we sell the most pieces of clothing in sizes S and M. I have never seen this as a reason to base our entire production around these sizes. I don’t see the additional cost of producing a size 16 dress as being a 30% increase in cost for a size 16 dress, I see it as being a 5% cost increase on that particular style of dress in all sizes. Yes, if we only produced sizes XS-L we would make more money, but I didn’t get into this business to get rich. I do this because I love what I do and I want to share it, and I consider an inclusive size range a part of being able to offer good service to people who like our designs.

Because we are a small business, we have had to start modestly with the addition of two sizes in order to ease into the process. We did a trial run of five styles in sizes 14 and 16 this past spring season and have tweaked the fit a bit for fall. This fall, based on demand, we will have 11 styles available in size 14 and 3 styles in size 16. We will definitely be expanding the availability as interest increases. At the moment there is so little available even above a size 10 in most independent lines of clothing that I think people in the size 12 and up range have stopped even looking.

We are committed to offering these sizes and to adding more as they catch on. Help us get the word out!

Public vs. Private

I've always felt conflicted about the location of the border between the personal and public in my life. We’re all guilty of trying to control how the world perceives us, to some extent, and I'm no exception. The parts of us that we keep best concealed contain what we believe to be the truth of ourselves. Ironically, the parts we choose to expose publicly speak volumes about what we're trying to conceal.

The whole concept of personal blogging makes me very uncomfortable. With my work, I get to display the finished result of my efforts after I 've had time to scrutinize it for imperfections and buff it to a shine. I don’t want anyone to know that I struggle, even though I do struggle. A LOT. It is constant. Part of it comes from a refusal to compromise, and part of it is just the result of being alive. We all struggle. It’s the one thing we have in common.

I'm also uncomfortable with what seems to be the growing tendency to publicly indulge in an inflated sense of self-importance. The only thing that redeems the endless self discussion inherent in a personal blog is the act of being honest, and it redeems it exquisitely if done with courage and humility.

The line of clothing, Birds of North America, is the vortex of my life. I love, I hurt, I worship, I rage, I forgive, all through my work. Good creative work requires, above all, relentless self analysis and honesty. I invite you into my experience, not as a fashion designer, but as a woman who is trying to find meaning and sense in an existence where it is often elusive.

We all have to face the beautiful and horrific stuff that comprises this life and each of us has to make our own sense of it. I am extremely grateful for all the people who love and support Birds of North America and who are moved enough to wear our clothes on their bodies and to confront this crazy world in them.

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Pour mes chères lecteurs francophones: Comme vous saviez, ou peut-être pas, l‘anglais est la langue dans lequel je peux mieux m’exprimer. C’est très important pour moi de pouvoir communiquer mes idées d’une facon claire et je sais que je vais mieux réussir en anglais. J’espère que vous considériez quand même me suivre si ca vous intéresse.

J’accueillerais toujours des commentaires en francais avec plaisir!